What the frig did I do…?  Just call me an idiot.

Sunday morning I called it quits with my love.  I still love him.  Carter will never leave my heart.  Ugh this is hard to write while I’m listening to the most depressing song ever.  I broke it off out of nowhere too which I still hate myself over.  I was supposed to have a surprise bday party for him down in Methuen with everyone Sunday but he called that morning and said that he couldn’t make it cause of a basketball game which I didn’t mind cause we can always postpone no biggie but then I told him I had to talk to him cause I couldn’t take it anymore cause the other day I had a bunch of thoughts going through my mind and then I just spilled everything to him.  I told him that I was scared cause we’ve only been together for 2 months and only have known each other since August but I feel so incredibly close already and all of a sudden I started thinking about him leaving for California to go to college in 4 months and I freaked out.  I thought about how it would be even harder for me to let go in 4 months if I’m already this attached so I had to do it before it was too late.  And then he said we could make it work that it’s 4,000 miles away but still and then I said but even so people change in college that’s truly where you find out about yourself, not high school.  And I mean come on, what am I going to do while hes in CALIFORNIA and in COLLEGE?  He’ll only come back for the big Holidays like Christmas and stuff.  The thing that hurt more is when he said he’d always be here and I could go back to him whenever I wanted and that he understands cause he put his self in my position and understood.  That killed me because I thought how could I let go of someone this amazing?  I don’t know if I’ll go back to him.  I want to so bad but it’s just I don’t know.  We agreed to act the same though.  See each other whenever possible, call all the time, and maybe even add a little benefits?  So basically it’ll be the same minus all the pressure and commitment.  At one point he said, “The thing about friends with benefits is that usually people only have that kind of relationship when they need ass or are lonely and that’s basically using someone and I don’t want to do that to you so we’ll be ‘soul mates’ with benefits.”  I was like AWW I love you to death.  So far we’ve been talking and talking and I cried to him for like 3 hours on the phone.  I still think I’m crazy but whatever.  Carter you’ve given me an amazing 2 months.  58 days, 10 hours, and 17 minutes to be exact.  And I could not ask for more.
Well that whole day I was depressed.  I just wanted to run away.   At night we had a lot of company and I talked to them so it got my mind of things.  I had a hard time sleeping though and friggen just bawled all night.

Monday Carter called before he went to school just like he always has.  I still feel like shit about everything.  But hey at least we’re not having that awkward angry silence thing.  I went to some stores and such with Meriam for the day.  Then watched The Bachelorette even though I knew she didn’t say yes to John Paul and Jerry (thanks to Star magazine) but I was still mad cause she’s a douche bag.  I knew from the beginning that she was a sly evil ugly bitch.  Haha but watching all those lovey dovey scenes made me kinda sad.  Oh well.

Tuesday Nicole Molly and Nicole’s cousin Tim and I all went bowling.  Lmfao Molly came over first and we got stuck in my driveway cause she had her “E Brake” on and it was jammed cause she has such a ghetto white van.  So we literally wre there for 20 minutse trying to get it unjammed.  “Let’s use my shoe!”  Lmfao.  Molly finally like got it undone though but she broke it haha good times.  After that we picked up Nicole then went to Park Place Lanes.  I sucked for the first time yay!  After that we went to McDonalds and then to my house.  Then we drank some good ol beer.  Irish Killians to be specific.  Then we went outside randomly and friggen looked retarded drinking it in the dark while it was snowing haha and Molly was throwing alcohol on everyone.  After that Molly drove home haha and Nicole slept over.  We watched Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, then came online and talked to Yahoo people until 3 AM.

Today Nicole and I woke up to my damn phone ringing in the William Tell Overture tune.  Hahaha love it.  Then we hung around and then went to Chili’s.  Haha, “Then what’s an apostrophe huh?!”  “I forgot.”  Haha.  After Chilis we went home for a second then dropped Nicole at her Dad’s work then the Mom, Bro, and I went to the Mall and met up with Jonalyn, her baby Jaden, and Bill then we went to a Moscow Circus in Manchester.  Haha it’s a circus only all Russian people.  It was so random and funny.  The lady next to me was funny to we kept talking and “Ooing” at the wicked hot Russian fella’s.  Haha I loved it.  After that we all went back to my house and Meriam was still there too.  Yesterday and today were good cause it got me off thinking about the whole Carter thing and I could just chill back with friends and stuff.  Hahah yeahh Jonalyn and her “Manager Trois” and “Boiled Water” hahaha good stuff eh?  Riiight.  I’m out.